Small talk rules are completely different here — did anyone else freeze up?

Opposite problem for me — I came from a fairly reserved culture and found the local friendliness almost overwhelming at first, strangers striking up full conversations at the bus stop. Took months to relax into it.

same, felt like i was doing something wrong for months

What worked for me was just mirroring locals for a few weeks — watching how much small talk actually happened in a given interaction and matching it. Clicked faster than I expected.

This varies more between countries than people give it credit for — nowhere near this strict where I lived before moving here. Worth remembering it’s not one universal expat rule.

How do you actually know when it’s okay to switch into more casual chat with someone? Is there a signal, or do you just have to guess and sometimes get it wrong?

Emma, to your question about the signal: as a French person living in Canada, I've been on both sides of this, and I think there usually is one, even if nobody would describe it.

At home in France the signal is often grammatical, the switch from the formal to the informal "you", and the older or more senior person is supposed to offer it first. In English there's no grammar to help, so I've learned to watch for three small things instead. When someone asks about your weekend rather than the weather. When they remember something you told them last time. When they use your first name without you offering it. Any one of those means the door is open, and you can relax into more personal chat.

Guessing wrong once or twice is completely normal, and people forgive it far more easily than we imagine while we're lying awake replaying the conversation. I once told a very formal neighbour about my mother's hip operation in the lift. We're friends now.

Dutch small talk is basically weather, bikes and the train being late. Master those three and you're fluent socially, even if your grammar is a disaster like mine.