The trailing partner question — how long did it take you to find work?

This could have been my post. I'm the trailing one too, and my husband travels so much for his job that I spent the first months alone with the kids and no work, in a country where I couldn't read my own post.

What helped me most, in the order it happened:

• volunteering two mornings a week at a community centre. It gave the week a shape, and I could use my English and my organising skills while my Dutch caught up
• telling everyone I met what I did before, not what I was doing now. It felt awkward, but people remember "project manager" much better than "looking for work"
• a language course during the day, where half the class were partners in exactly my position

One of the people at the community centre later told me about the job I have now. It took nine months in total.

To the partners who brought someone: ask about the other person's plans before the move is signed, not after. The job search was the one thing nobody in my husband's company thought about, and it was the thing that decided whether I was happy here.

It took me about a year. My experience was valued, but my qualifications needed an assessment first, and I underestimated how much the gap would affect my confidence. If I could tell my husband one thing back then, it would be to ask his employer for help with my job search as part of the move. They would probably have said yes.

I brought my work with me as a freelancer, so it's not the same, but my partner Mateo is going through this now in Valencia. The dinner question is exactly what he hates most.

Aisha, volunteering to give the week a shape is so sensible. I wish I'd thought of it in month two instead of month seven.

A language course helped me more than any job site. Half my classmates were in the same situation, and they became my network.