University-age kids — did they come with you, stay behind, or split the difference?

Let our daughter choose ultimately, and gave real weight to her preference even though it complicated the logistics on our end.

Following, we’re facing this exact decision in a couple of years ourselves.

Chose the in-between option, a gap year, specifically to avoid deciding under time pressure. Felt like the right call in hindsight.

From the other end of life: our children were grown when we moved, but I remember when our son went to study in another country at nineteen. We worried he was too young. He tells us now it was the making of him, and that the best thing we did was let him choose and then not ask every week whether he regretted it.

Our eldest is eleven, so this is years away for us, but I'm already reading threads like this with a knot in my stomach. Thank you for asking it so honestly, Sophie.

Ours were long past university when we moved, both in their thirties, and it still rearranged the family more than I expected. Our daughter told me, a few months in, that she hadn't realised how much she relied on knowing we were an hour's drive away, even though she rarely came. So I'd say, whatever your daughter decides, the distance will matter to both of you in ways neither can predict, and that's all right. We video call on Sundays now and it's a proper conversation rather than the quick check-in it used to be.

I can answer from the other side of this question, because I was the daughter. I left Beirut at twenty to study in France, and my parents stayed.

What helped most was that they made it clear the decision was mine but that I wasn't making it alone. My father came with me for the first week, set up my bank account with me, then left, and he didn't call every day. My mother called every Sunday, same time, which gave the week a shape without making me feel watched.

What was hard: the first winter, the first time I was ill with nobody to bring me soup, and the feeling that home was moving on without me. None of that meant it was the wrong choice. I'd make it again.

If your daughter's opinion changes every day, that's normal. Mine did too. Give her a date to decide by, and then trust what she says on that date.

Saving Mariam's reply for when our teenager reaches that age. "A date to decide by" is so practical.

Thank you all, and especially Mariam. It feels right to share where we ended up. In the end our daughter chose to come with us and start university here, but on her own terms: she lives in a student residence rather than at home, and we agreed she can reconsider after the first year without anyone treating it as a failure. The date-to-decide idea is exactly what finally made it work, because the daily changing of her mind stopped once there was a deadline. She starts next month. I'm more nervous than she is.

Good luck to her, Sophie. And to you. The first term is harder for the parents.